All posts by meps

Stray thoughts

I can’t believe how quiet it’s become around here. My ears are tuned to every sound — I recognize the flapping of specific tarps, the slap of specific halyards. So when I heard a small clatter from the fiberglass shed, about 100 feet away, I walked closer to see what it was.

A tiny black cat, with yellow eyes like fog lights, froze and flattened herself to the ground. Nearby, her tiger-striped brother was camouflaged by weed and gravel. They stared at me, fascinated but terrified.

I went back to the boat and returned with cat treats. “Here kitty, kitty,” I called, in a soft voice, shaking the container. Their ears perked up; they knew the sound of food. I put a pile of treats out for them, then retreated to a safe distance. Meanwhile, I kept up a quiet running dialogue, so they’d get used to my voice.

“I know you guys are wondering about Ernie. He’s doing great! He got seasick and threw up, but then he got his sea legs before Blaine and Suzy did. Maybe that’s because he has twice as many… I hope you’re not still mad at them for luring you into the bathroom with tuna and then taking you to the vet. They saved your furry little lives, you know. I’m glad they did.”

The story of Blaine and Suzy and the kittens is one I’ve been meaning to tell for a while. The two cats just reminded me.

The first kittens appeared at the end of May, a week or two after Blaine and Suzy closed up their boat and left for the summer. If they’d been born a couple of weeks earlier, the whole story might have been different — there might not even have been an Ernie. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

There were always a few cats living in the yard. It was hard to tell how many, because they were so skittish, but it was probably three or four. One day, I saw one of them with a tiny gray shadow — a kitten! “What are we gonna do about those kittens?” Dale asked, rhetorically. Momma Kitty was feral, so nobody ever got close to her or the kittens, but she took good care of them. Sometimes I’d see them at 5:30 am, when I was getting up that early in the hot summer.

Then came October, when we returned from our summer travel. I ran into Dale one day, looking disgusted. “That damn cat had kittens again! They’re in the shed over there.” He shook his head, chewing on a toothpick as he walked away.

Four boatyard kittens

Momma Kitty was now a problem. The unstoppable kitten-making machine had produced eight offspring in five months, with no end in sight. It was a full-fledged Bock Marine Kitty Crisis.

There are always people around who have a special touch with cats. Irene, of Aphrodite, is one of them. She’d been feeding the cats, and she got close enough to Momma Kitty to pick up some of the kittens and pet them. But all too soon, she and Andy launched their boat and headed for the Caribbean. Now what? The employees fussed about the mess in the shed, but nobody did anything.

Then Blaine and Suzy stepped in. To our amazement, they took the four tiny kittens aboard Shirley Jeanne, which is smaller than Flutterby. Momma Kitty was pretty upset, but it was the best thing. Once the kittens got used to being around people, they could be sent out to good homes.

The saga continued through the fall. Aboard Shirley Jeanne, the balls of fluff from the October litter grew into friendly, curious kittens with distinct personalities and names: Faith, Hope, Patience, and Ernie. The ones from the May litter grew into lithe small cats, and we began calling them “the teenagers.” They ran around as a pack, like human teenagers. Sadly, this ended when one of them was taken to the Inhumane Society and put down, and another one simply disappeared.

It turned out that Blaine and Suzy have more than a special touch. They have a mission: Spay, neuter, and save cats. At their home in Oregon, they’ve fostered and rescued dozens, maybe hundreds, of cats. As Nancy Bock said to me, “Isn’t it lucky that when we had a kitty problem, Blaine and Suzy were here?”

I found myself thinking that if the first litter had been born when they were here, Momma Kitty would have been spayed sooner, and the second litter wouldn’t have been born. But that would mean no Ernie. Isn’t Ernie the whole point?

Blaine and Suzy found good homes for Patience, Hope, and Faith, requiring their new owners to have them spayed as a precondition for adoption. Around Thanksgiving, they trapped Momma Kitty, and Nancy had her spayed. And just before Christmas, Blaine trapped the two teenagers in the employee restroom, using canned tuna as kitty-bait. They, too, were spayed and returned.

Shirley JeanneThe reason for Blaine and Suzy being in the boatyard, though, wasn’t to rescue cats. They’re accomplished cruisers who’d built a boat in the 80’s, sailing it to Australia and back when their children were infants. Then they settled down and raised the children, selling their first boat and starting to build a bigger, better one. It’s a big project, with a lot of work left to be done.

They wanted to go cruising now, rather than later. So they put the big project aside, rented out the house, found people to take care of their cats, and bought a little boat in North Carolina. It should have been quick and easy to get out on the water, but boat projects never go as planned. Cats never go as planned, either.

Blaine and Suzy didn’t plan to spend days caring for cats in the boatyard, time that kept them away from their boat projects. They didn’t plan to spend their carefully budgeted cruising kitty on kitties — food, shots, spaying. They didn’t plan on the headaches caused by cultural differences — in a region where stray animals are expendable, vets don’t want to spay feral cats.

They didn’t plan on Ernie.

Suzy advertised the cats with a photo showing all four of them. But whenever someone asked about the gold one, she’d say, “He’s already spoken for.” He wasn’t, but he had a special bond with Blaine. Finally, after they’d found homes for all the others, they admitted they couldn’t give Ernie up.

Blaine and ErnieErnie is the golden kitty — literally and figuratively. He was the smart, funny one of the bunch, the class clown who’s destined for Harvard. Somehow, he ended up with more personality than the other three combined.

As a result, Ernie is now the most spoiled kitten on the planet. He has the run of the boat, and although he will walk on a leash, he usually travels off the boat zipped into Blaine or Suzy’s jacket. When Barry loaned Blaine our red laser, they went out and bought Ernie one of his own to play with. When Ernie got sick, Blaine and Suzy looked more haggard than he did.

They set off a few weeks ago, heading south. Blaine and Suzy and Ernie, leaving behind the other five cats.

Which reminds me of another boatyard where Barry and I lived, in New Orleans. Instead of cats, that yard attracted a couple of stray dogs. The carpenter, Victor, lived on his boat in the yard and began to feed them. After many years, Victor quit and moved his boat elsewhere. The yard owner called him, saying “Hey, you forgot your dogs.” To which Victor responded, “Those weren’t my dogs.”

I love the fact that Bock Marine has cats instead of dogs. But saving cats is not my mission. I’ll do like Victor did, just enjoy them here and now. I am not taking one with me. Because after all, there is only one Ernie.

The Young Julie Schmulie

This is weird, but it’s happened twice! Out of the blue, someone sends me a limerick about a Julie when I need one for my sister of the same name. This one comes from reader IronMan Mike Curtis, and although it’s not a perfect fit (my sister is NOT middle-aged), it is perfectly timed for my sister’s birthday.

Thanks, Mike! But next time, maybe we could call her “a lovely young woman,” instead? Then, as you can see from the photo, it would fit my Julie, too.
Julie 2008
Julie, Schmulie

A middle aged woman named Julie
Feared her next birthday unduly
As the clock struck midnight,
She blanched with sheer fright
As if she’d been possessed by a ghoulie

(Limerick (c) 2009 M. Curtis)

Claire’s birthday present

Official Barack Obama Portrait
If you think that equality’s great,
And you wish for a world free from hate,
And you have curly hair,
And your first name is Claire,
Here’s your present! It’s just one day late.

Claire’s birthday was the day before the inauguration of Barack Obama. The photo above is Obama’s official presidential portrait, which we’ll be seeing in federal buildings while he is in office. It’s the first presidential portrait taken with a digital camera.

Frosty the Sailboat

It’s freezing here in the boatyard, literally. Temperatures dropped to the low 20’s, Fahrenheit, and didn’t rise above freezing for two nights and two days. Even in the late afternoon, with the sun shining all day, icicles hung from the cockpit drains of several boats. Six-year-old Marvin, from Switzerland, breaks them off, then runs around using them as swords against invisible opponents and visible boatyard denizens.

Although local folks warned us it could get this cold, they seem to have forgotten their own warnings. They grumble and huddle around the heating vent in the employee lounge.

When I walk across the yard, even my feet notice the difference, as the soft sand is frozen hard, like rock. Dale, who has worked here for decades, drove through a well-known mud puddle on Friday afternoon and was amazed that it refroze before he went home.

Aboard Flutterby, we’re almost warm enough. We have layers of longjohns and two small space heaters, so the cabin is tolerable. But the water pump under the cockpit froze, and Barry had to commandeer one of the space heaters to thaw it. Still, nothing is getting done. It’s not the cold, precisely, just the usual struggle with unrewarding projects.

After we finished rebedding the deck hardware, we thought we’d have a nice, dry boat. But there were still leaks in the side decks. Where were they coming from?

Eventually, we narrowed it to two sources: The decorative “eyebrow” rail that was screwed to the top of the cabin, all the way around, and the portlights. The eyebrow rail was original equipment, so we could forgive it for failing. But the nine portlights are new, installed by the former owner just before we bought the boat.

Removing one of the portlights gave us our answer. It wasn’t through-bolted, just screwed in from the inside with woodscrews. The portlight itself was smaller than the opening, and the gaps weren’t properly filled. There were gobs and gobs of silicone and a chunk of resinous stuff that snapped off with our bare hands. In short, not a portlight you could trust to an offshore passage. No wonder they leak.

It’s reminiscent of our hatch problem — the forward hatch leaked when we bought the boat, even though it was brand-new. We were actually lucky that it leaked, because that made us look at it closely. What we discovered was the construction was so flimsy, it was only suitable for inland lake sailing. We ordered a sturdy, offshore-capable model. When we took the old hatch out, the leak turned out to be from faulty installation — a cutout improperly prepared and stuffed with gobs and gobs of silicone filler.

Now I lie in my bed at night and look up at the new hatch with a sense of satisfaction. The opening is smooth and fair, and it fits closely to the aluminum Seabreeze hatch we selected, with just the right amount of bedding compound.

I know when all nine portlights are done, I’ll have the same sense of satisfaction. But it’s only 20 degrees out there! In this weather, I have to take the windows out? That’s enough to make anyone grouchy, grumpy, and downright cold. Until tomorrow, that is, when it will be in the 50’s, and I’ll just be grouchy, grumpy, and replacing that first portlight.

Squidley to the rescue

A few days ago, we drove the Squid Wagon back into the boatyard from Florida, dog-tired from a two-day drive. “Hey! There’s someone on Honey Moon!” exclaimed Barry. Our circumnavigating friends Don and Aggie were back from Australia, having stored their boat for six months. They spent a week finishing their projects and launched the boat on the windiest day we’d seen yet.

The problem was an external deadline. When their plane landed in Los Angeles, the US Customs agent had only given them 28-day visas, barely enough time to fly across the US, paint the bottom, provision the boat, see their friends, and get out of the country.

We were sorry to see them go, and a little worried as the wind picked up even more that evening. Boats were shaking on their jackstands, large items were flying through the air, and the wind sounded like a freight train. They were probably fine; they’d sailed half the world to get here.

The next morning, I was in the office, chatting with a cruiser from Switzerland. Having a Swiss flag is kind of like having a boat with a home port in Nebraska or Wyoming. There’s no coastline, so the boat can never actually go to its home port.

Anique was behind the desk, answering the phone as Patricia and I talked. “Good morning, thank you for calling Bock Marine,” she said. Then I heard, “Margaret is right here…” and she handed me the phone.

This was a complete surprise, as I have never received a call on the office phone. I go into the office for about 5 minutes a day, always at a different time — how would someone know I was there?

It was Aggie, from Honey Moon. They’d left their boat key behind, and were wondering if we could bring it if we came into town. “Sure, I said, “how were things last night?”

“Absolutely awful!” said Aggie. It was an understatement.

It was their first night at anchor in six months, and it was a night to remember. In a 60-knot gust, they dragged anchor. Pulling it up, they found a giant muddy fishing net wrapped all around the anchor and chain. They had to back in circles to keep from fouling the prop while they struggled to cut it off. The deck knife was too dull, so Aggie went below for a sharper kitchen knife. She crawled to the foredeck, where the wind was picking Don up and bouncing him against the stays.

Sometime around then, the headsail partly unfurled. The wind caught the loose edge and began to shred it. At around 10 pm, Aggie hauled Don up the mast to wrap a spinnaker halyard around the flogging headsail.

The anchor was cleared and reset, the sail was secured, but this was no time to go below and sleep. They maintained an anchor watch all night, meaning one person had to be awake to make sure the boat didn’t drag anchor.

After a night like that, the least we could do (besides delivering their errant key) was drive them and their sail out to the sailmaker for repairs. Afterwards, they invited us to come out to the boat for a cup of tea. I looked at Barry, “Well, we were going to do some shopping, but…” “You’re not going to Wal-Mart, are you?” asked Aggie.

This was followed by some discussion about what each of us needed from Wal-Mart. They needed to put more minutes on an expired cell phone. We needed a new space heater. “We have a space heater we need to get rid of,” said Don. “You can have it.”

Now we didn’t need to go shopping, so the four of us got into their dinghy and headed for the boat. We made it about ten feet from the dock when the engine died. Don yanked and yanked the starter cord as Barry and Aggie held us off a piling. Then he said, brightly, “Here’s the problem!” The fuel hose had gotten brittle and broken off.

We let the wind push us to a nearby bulkhead, and Don rowed the dinghy back to the transient dock.

“Good old Squidley,” I said, as the four of us piled back into the van. “We really like your van!” said Aggie.

This time, we went to the marine parts store and then to Wal-Mart and Staples. It was evening when we returned, so they invited us aboard for dinner. This time, the dinghy made it without incident.

After dinner, we were sitting in the cabin when there was a noise outside. “You’d better go have a look around,” said Aggie. She calls herself the “noise police.” Don was warm and cozy, and he shook his head. “Nah, I’m sure it’s nothing.” “That’s what you said last night!” said Aggie. Laughing, he got up and stuck his head out the companionway.

“Oh, this is interesting. You’d better come up and see for yourself,” he called down.

The three of us piled into the cockpit to see. It took me a second to realize that giant white wall was a huge yacht that we’d bumped into as the current spun all the boats in the anchorage around. Oops.

After adjusting the chain to pull us away from the neighbor, we went back below. “You haven’t been cruising in a while,” I said. “You’ve gotten a bit rusty!”

When it was time for us to leave, Don got into the dinghy and started the motor. The fuel was old, and it conked out and had to be restarted. Barry and I climbed in, and Don revved the engine to keep it going. We said our goodbyes to Aggie, and she tossed down the painter.

Don put the engine in gear quickly, so it wouldn’t stall, and we zoomed away from the boat. We made it about ten feet. BOING! We were jerked to a sudden stop, like a dog that has reached the end of its leash and looks like its eyes are popping out. If a camera had been running, it would have been a candidate for “America’s Funniest Boat Videos.”

Aggie and Don are conscientious and careful cruisers. That means they secure the dinghy with not one, but two painters. Unfortunately, when we took off, neither of them remembered this fact!

I couldn’t stop laughing, all the way back to the dock. Not because of the mistake, but because of the looks on our faces. I’ll file the two-painter idea away as a smart cruising tip. I’ll file the leave-one-attached idea away, too: Under practical jokes.

How to become president of my fan club

I hadn’t gotten any guest submissions in a while, when this appeared in my in-box and gave me a chuckle. It comes from R. Dennis Green, “a limerick-starved fan from Bethesda, MD who shares a birth year (1951) with the comic strip, Dennis the Menace.”

I looked for a birthday limerick
Your web site proved to be perferick
My friend needed laughter
To fight the disaster…
Of aging. Your verse did the trick!

Welcome to Turkey, and other funny fluff

I’ll be driving down the road, with Barry snoozing in the passenger seat. I hate to wake him up, but I have to. “Honey? Could you write something down for me, so I don’t forget?” If he’s driving, I sometimes ride with the notebook open in my lap. The result is what I call “fluff,” those funny things that flash by as we’re lumbering down the road at 55 mph.

***
North Carolina has many institutions of higher learning, like Duke, and UNC, and Back Swamp Community College. If I was trying to get into graduate school, I’d hate to have that last one on my resume.
***
We recently drove past an antique store in Woodbine, Georgia, where they call a spade a spade. Their sign simply said, “Dead people’s things for sale.”
***
Speaking of signs, our nearby farmer’s market has a huge banner that says, “Collards,” in 2-foot tall letters. At Thanksgiving, I watched a man come in and buy so many that they filled the cab of his truck. He drove away, his head barely peeking above the sea of green.
***
Near Christmas, I saw another huge banner, along a back road in North Carolina. This one said, “Collard Kraut.” I bet that gets a lot of takers.
***
Somewhere along I-95 in Florida, we saw an actual restaurant called “Ying’s Chinee Takee Outee.” That’s either an anachronism or a sadistic signmaker.
***
Speaking of Florida, I’ve got a new slogan for the state, based on recent observations: “Florida, the dead armadillo state.” Then again, there are a lot of states vying for that title.
***
Georgia might consider a new slogan, too. “Interstates under construction…since Eisenhower.”
***
And South Carolina might use this: “Y’all be nice, or we’ll secede again.”
***
OK, what’s with the Christmas inflatable yard decorations? Only about one in ten is inflated. The rest are not festive holiday cheer, they’re what Barry refers to as “technicolor flaccid lumps.”
***
Real streets I would not like to live on: Tattletale Lane. Embarrass Avenue. Dead Cow Lane.
***
Real streets I would like to live on: Ju Ju Lane. Daisy Street.
***
Can you imagine having a friend in Friend, Nebraska? It’s easier than imagining an enemy there.
***
Laramie, Wyoming: Where the truck stop ladies’ room has a vase full of plastic flowers…and the vase has water in it.
***
What would you find across from the Sleep 4 Le$$? The competition — a white sign, black letters: “Generic Motel.”
***
In Elko, Nevada, we drove past an establishment called “Inez’s Dancing and Diddling.” Wow. Are there really still women named Inez?
***
We stopped at a rest area next to Stinking Water Pass. When I took my water bottle to the fountain to fill it, I was stopped by a large sign that said, “Non-potable water.” No kidding.
***
On I-95, we were passed by a car with a personalized license plate that said “Ms Epoxy.” She was driving fast, probably trying to get away from a bunch of single guys with boats.
***
Weirdest boat name this year: A fishing boat called Dang Brothers. I guess, to be grammatically correct, that should be Danged Brothers.
***
I wish the folks at Gaskills Hardware had some punctuation for their changeable sign. The last time I saw it, the sign said, “Crab Pot Trees.”
***
Speaking of things that don’t go together, here’s my favorite pair of highway signs from Route 24: On the top, “Welcome to Turkey, North Carolina.” On the bottom, “Bird Sanctuary.”

What to wear today?

(photos are at the bottom…)

There once was a doggie named Missy,
She wears glasses, which make her look prissy.
She has more clothes than me,
Over seventy-three
Different outfits! A clothes-horse — or is she?

At a street fair in Fort Pierce, Florida, I photographed a man in a motorized wheelchair with a frilly little dog wearing a dress and sunglasses. Two months later, I ran into them again. “Hi!” I said. “I took your picture last month.” The man in the wheelchair smiled, then, trying to recall the event, asked me, “What was she wearing?”

Missy is a therapy dog, trained by Frank. She has almost 80 different outfits with matching glasses, and she spends her time visiting nursing homes and hospitals. A friend tells me the two are local celebrities. “They’re in all the parades,” she said.

Frank, Missy, and Meps Frank and Missy

Shipping not included

As part of my Bahia Street volunteer work, I set up a storefront on Greeting Card Universe last year. The site sells some charming original cards designed by Fio, of the Bahia Street Center. Every once in a while, I check in on the site, but it mostly takes care of itself, a “nickel-generator” for Bahia Street. Cards sell, and small amounts of commission money go to my favorite nonprofit.

So I was a bit puzzled to get a garbled email the other day, with “Greeting Card Universe Feedback” as the subject. The person’s name was Abuga Jones — is that a man or a woman?

Hello,
I’m interested in purchasing some Christmas card as a gift to some of my customers …..i will need like 50 pieces, could you kindly give me total cost………I will be responsible for the shipment of the card from your location using my private Shipping Company.So I want you to calculate for me what will be the total cost of the order the card,tax if included so once I have your reply for the total I will remit my credit card for you to charge for the total cost.so that you can have the order book right away.this is because i’m not in the state presently on offshore and i will not be back till 2 weeks time. I await your reply soon.

It sounded kind of weird, but I put that down to a non-English speaker, and I wrote back a polite reply:

Thank you for your interest in Bahia Street’s Brazilian Christmas cards. At the current time, we’re only offering them through Greeting Card Universe. They can send personalized cards out on your behalf, or you can order one batch of 50 at a discount.

best regards,

Margaret “Meps” Schulte
Bahia Street public affairs

I wasn’t expecting a reply, but Abuga wrote back fairly quickly:

Hello Thanks for the mail can you calculate 50 for me and let me know the amount and don”t worry about the shipping i will take care of that myself ok

“What an idiot!” I exclaimed to Barry. “I don’t want to be rude, but this person just doesn’t get it! Do you think it’s a scam?”

“Maybe, but it can’t hurt to tell them how much 50 cards would cost. Maybe they can’t do math,” said Barry, helpfully.

“Sure,” I muttered, “a business owner who can’t calculate the cost of a bunch of greeting cards.”

I sighed, and typed this out:

On Greeting Card Universe, 50 cards is $114.50, or $2.29 apiece. However, I can’t help you place the order. You’ll have to do that at www.greetingcarduniverse.com.

Finally, today, my friend Abuga revealed his hand. I was laughing so hard, I could hardly read this out loud to Barry:

Hello Margaret

How are you this morning i got the email you write to me and i ‘m so glad you gonna sale Greeting Card Universe for me I’m so much okay with the price of the Greeting Card Universe …..I will like you to know that the price is not a problem and i want you to know that i don”t have time because of my work to be doing that right now if you know that you want to help me i will send your my card information the price is not a problem which the $114.50.

More so you don’t have to worry about the shipping cos have already registered
with a shipping company that will come and pick the Greeting Card Universe up with a cooling van after you have done with them.

Christmas card cost $114.50
Shipping cost $850
Total cost $1100

NOTE: THE SHIPPING COST WILL BE FOR MY SHIPPER WHICH YOU WILL HELP ME TO SEND TO HIM VIA WESTERN UNION.THIS BECAUSE I’M STILL IN OFFSHORE NOW.

Let me know if this suit you if yes you can get back with me with this following information so i can remit my card to you.

YOUR FULL NAME
ADDRESS
PHONE NUMBER.

I await you quick reply…….

Barry and I once read an article about Nigerian scammers, and it described them as young men who get up in the morning, dress in nice clothes, and go to the Internet cafe, where they sit around with all the other nicely-dressed young men, sending scam emails. I can picture the fellow on the other side of my email exchange, sitting in one of those cafes, hoping that I will simply accept his fraudulent credit card payment and then wire the bogus “shipping charge” to his “shipper.”

Poor guy, he must be a beginner. Sure, people fall for this sort of thing, but they usually do it because of greed, and that means offering them thousands or millions of dollars. A woman in Oregon sent $400,000 dollars to a scammer over several years, because she was convinced that she’d get back $25 million. She became so obsessed, the only thing that stopped her from sending more money was that the police told her she’d be charged with money-laundering if she didn’t stop.

One reason she kept sending the money was the encouraging emails from George Bush and the President of Nigeria. That would set off my bullshit detector. As it is, “Abuga” has set off my bullshit detector with an $850 shipping charge on 50 greeting cards.

Unless I’m going to take up scambaiting as a time-consuming hobby, I think it’s time for me to stop writing back to Abuga. However, I’m considering sending this parting message:

Dear Abuga,
I don’t think the cooling van will be necessary. These are Brazilian Christmas Cards. They do not come with snow.